Reorganize, revisit, rebuild

Do you ever feel like you’re revisiting a previous version of yourself? I’m going through a bit of an idealist Dan revival at the moment.

I’ve slept just over three hours the past three nights and have found myself awash in thought. And since I didn’t have my computer working again until late last night, I’ve been scribbling in blank books, something I haven’t done regularly since college. I’ve sketched, felt ink on my fingertips and smudged by own lines. It feels like I’m coming down from an incredible high.

I’m inspired and seek simplicity. I’m finding that all of a sudden I’m attracted again to the raw emotion that came from the music of my younger years, that I’m attracted to the ideas and ideals that I once held so close to my breast before I entered the workforce.

Perhaps this new feeling has come from the liberation I’ve achieved in my new job, where they encourage the expression of every creative synapse in my brain. Perhaps it comes from my revisiting of Wittgenstein’s wonderful works, or perhaps it’s just the drive and passion that I let go dormant from seeing the worst of the people around me. As much as I enjoyed being a police reporter, it changed me. It changed how I looked at the world, how I see people.

I played my electric guitar for three hours last night. It’s like rage was oozing through my fingertips, finally letting go. I’ve been listening to all of my old emo-core, hardcore and post punk from the early and mid 90s: Mineral, Fireside, Quicksand, Whirlpool, Sense Field, Sunny Day Real Estate, Boy Sets Fire, Braid, Bluebird, Jawbox, Jawbreaker, Avail, Hot Water Music…. And it’s relit a fire in my belly.

Now, how do you hold onto something within yourself that you thought was long dead and gone? Better still, how do you integrate it into a man 12 years removed from that initial spark?